Avoiding Blame and Building a Team Dynamic

Discover tips, treatment options, and support strategies from the Finding Focus Care Team

Last Update: July 14th, 2025 | Estimated Read Time: 7 min

Introduction

Co-parenting can be complex at the best of times, but when Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is part of the family landscape, whether in one parent, both, or the child, the dynamics can become even more intricate. ADHD can affect communication, planning, emotional regulation, and follow-through, all of which are essential to successful co-parenting. These challenges often give rise to blame, resentment, and conflict, especially if one partner feels overburdened or misunderstood.

However, with mutual understanding, effective strategies, and a shared commitment to the well-being of the child, couples and co-parents can shift from a cycle of blame to one of partnership. This article explores how ADHD affects co-parenting relationships and offers actionable guidance to build a collaborative, supportive dynamic grounded in empathy, communication, and teamwork.

Understanding ADHD’s Impact on Co-Parenting

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that impairs executive functioning, skills such as planning, organization, emotional regulation, and task initiation. These challenges can spill over into parenting responsibilities. For example, an adult with ADHD may forget appointments, struggle with time management, become easily overwhelmed, or react impulsively during conflict.

When both co-parents do not understand ADHD’s impact, misunderstandings and misplaced assumptions can escalate. One parent may perceive the other as lazy or irresponsible, while the other may feel chronically criticized or micromanaged. Research suggests that adults with ADHD are more likely to experience marital dissatisfaction and elevated stress in parenting roles due to these dynamics.

This emotional strain is often intensified when the couple is also navigating the demands of parenting a child with ADHD. Children with ADHD require consistency, structure, and patience, qualities that can be difficult to sustain if co-parents are not aligned or emotionally supported.

The Blame Trap: Why It Happens

Blame is a common and understandable reaction when one partner feels unsupported or overwhelmed. When parenting duties are unevenly distributed or tasks repeatedly fall through the cracks, frustration builds. For example:

• A parent forgets to pick up a child from school.
  
  
• One parent doesn’t follow through with a behaviour strategy from therapy.
  
  
• Discipline approaches are inconsistent, leading to conflict or undermining.

Over time, these experiences can erode trust and emotional safety, particularly if one partner feels they are “doing everything.”

However, blame, even if justified in the moment, often leads to defensiveness, withdrawal, or shame, especially for the partner with ADHD. It also creates an adversarial tone in the relationship, making collaboration harder. According to Barkley and Benton (2010), shame and low self-esteem are common in adults with ADHD, and being frequently blamed can amplify these emotions, reducing one’s ability to function optimally.

Shifting the Dynamic: From Blame to Teamwork

1. Reframe the Narrative

Instead of framing challenges as moral failings ("You don’t care," "You’re lazy"), shift toward understanding ADHD as a legitimate neurological difference. ADHD affects how a person processes time, emotion, and responsibility. That doesn’t excuse behaviour, but it does contextualize it.

Try this reframe:
Rather than: “You always forget to do what you say!”
Try: “I know remembering follow-through is hard with ADHD. Can we figure out a way that supports both of us?”

This shift invites problem-solving instead of finger-pointing.

2. Use “We” Language

Team-oriented language reinforces that both parents are in this together, even when things get tough. It helps reduce feelings of isolation or resentment and promotes shared accountability.

Examples:

• “How can we handle mornings more smoothly?”
  
  
• “We both had a tough time during that bedtime routine. Let’s debrief tomorrow.”

Such language fosters psychological safety, encouraging open dialogue without fear of blame.

3. Establish Clear Roles and Routines

Unclear expectations are a common source of conflict. ADHD may make it difficult to remember or prioritize tasks without clear structure. Developing a co-parenting system where responsibilities are written down, like a shared calendar or task board, can be immensely helpful.

Create a routine that includes:

• Morning and bedtime duties
  
  
• School communications
  
  
• Discipline strategies
  
  
• Screen time limits
  
  
• Homework routines

As recommended by Chronis-Tuscano et al. (2013), structured behavioural systems and routines help reduce parental conflict and improve consistency in parenting, especially in families with ADHD.

4. Leverage Each Parent’s Strengths

Co-parenting with ADHD works best when partners play to their strengths instead of mirroring each other. For instance, one parent may be better at scheduling and logistics, while the other excels at playfulness and emotional connection.

Define these roles not as imbalances, but as complementary skill sets. This approach validates each partner's contribution and helps distribute emotional labour in a fairer way.

Emotional Regulation: The Hidden Key

Co-parenting requires emotional regulation, managing frustration, staying calm during tantrums, and working through disagreements. But ADHD often impairs the ability to self-soothe or pause before reacting. Partners with ADHD may react impulsively, escalate conflicts, or struggle to tolerate emotional distress.

Supporting emotional regulation may include:

• Using timeouts (for parents, not just kids)
  
  
• Practicing grounding techniques like deep breathing
  
  
• Discussing conflicts after a cooling-off period

Mindfulness-based strategies have shown promise in improving emotional regulation in adults with ADHD (Mitchell et al., 2013). Encourage both partners to adopt coping strategies they can return to in moments of stress.

When One Parent Does Not Have ADHD

It’s common for one partner to feel like the “default parent” when the other is inconsistent, distracted, or emotionally reactive. This dynamic can lead to chronic stress, especially if the non-ADHD partner feels like they’re parenting both the child and their co-parent.

Here are some suggestions to reduce that dynamic:

• Avoid using a parent-child tone when speaking to your partner.
  
  
• Express needs clearly without blaming.
  
  
• Set boundaries around your own limits.
  
  
• Recognize and validate the efforts your partner is making, even if imperfect.

And for the ADHD partner:

• Own mistakes without spiralling into self-blame.
  
  
• Be proactive in finding strategies to manage symptoms.
  
  
• Express gratitude for your partner’s support.

Empathy must run both ways. Recognizing each other’s struggles can reduce power imbalances and promote long-term relationship health.

Building a Support System

Sometimes, co-parenting with ADHD needs external support. Consider involving:

• ADHD-focused couples therapy: Helps partners build communication and empathy around neurodiversity.
  
  
• Parent coaching: Offers strategies specific to managing ADHD in family systems.
  
  
• Psychoeducation: Understanding how ADHD presents in adults changes how couples interpret and respond to each other’s behaviours.

Studies show that when both parents understand the neurodevelopmental underpinnings of ADHD, they report higher satisfaction in parenting and lower levels of conflict (Fleming et al., 2017).

Final Thoughts: You’re On the Same Side

ADHD may complicate co-parenting, but it doesn’t need to define your relationship. With shared understanding, practical tools, and a commitment to empathy, parents can build a team dynamic that supports their children and each other.

Avoiding blame isn’t about ignoring problems, it’s about approaching them from a place of curiosity and partnership. The goal is not perfection, but progress: building a home where both parents feel seen, supported, and capable of working together for the good of their family.

Finding Focus Care Team

We are a group of nurse practitioners, continuous care specialists, creators, and writers, all committed to excellence in patient care and expertise in ADHD. We share content that illuminates aspects of ADHD and broader health care topics. Each article is medically verified and approved by the Finding Focus Care Team. You can contact us at Finding Focus Support if you have any questions!  

References

Barkley, R. A., & Benton, C. M. (2010). The nature of executive functioning (EF) deficits in daily life activities in adults with ADHD and their relationship to performance on EF tests. Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioural Assessment, 32(2), 111–122. Link  

Chronis-Tuscano, A., et al. (2013). Development and preliminary evaluation of an integrated treatment targeting parenting and depressive symptoms in mothers of children with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 81(5), 918–925. Link  

Mitchell, J. T., et al. (2013). Mindfulness training for adolescents with ADHD and their parents: A treatment development study. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 22(5), 712–721. Link

Moen, Ø. L., Hedelin, B., & Hall-Lord, M. L. (2015). Parental perception of family functioning in everyday life with a child with ADHD. Scandinavian Journal of Public Health, 43(1), 10-17. Link